Like they always say, a penny saved is a penny earned. With all of this talk about the cheapest possible roofing replacement for your home, let’s explore the multitudes of benefits regarding our number one choice for short-term savings and instantaneous long-term damage: asphalt roofing. An asphalt roofing installation is about a third of the cost of an aluminum metal roofing installation, and it does significantly less than a third of the job as well.
Wow! Look at this beautiful asphalt roof!
Are you looking for a dangerous variety of excitement, adventure, riskiness, and instability? Look no further! Asphalt roofing won’t protect your home and will probably walk out on the job when you least expect it. Do you have commitment issues? No problem: as opposed to the dreadful 100 years that aluminum metal roofing will last you – an asphalt roof will last, on average, a nice short length of 16 years. Is that too long for you? If you don’t want it to stick around anymore, don’t worry, it might not even last that long – it’s going to go away anyway! If hurricane conditions or even just strong winds come by for a friendly visit, your roof may be gone with the wind. Is that not a beautiful thing? Your heavy and inflexible asphalt roofing shingles can be blown back into nature where everything belongs so it can hurt the environment even more. You can now contribute to landfills as well as let part of your asphalt roofing go free into nature. Why do less damage when you can do more? Do you like problems? Do you have problems? Good! Get an asphalt roof, so, again, you can have more problems! Are you feeling a little heavy and difficult to maintain? Asphalt roofs are also very heavy and difficult to maintain – a perfect match for you! Who doesn’t like dangerous maintenance when they least expect it? Don’t you like living life on the edge…of your roof? Like the wise old saying, “You are what you roof.”
Are you vulnerable and unable to hold your ground? Good, because an asphalt roof is just like you – it won’t protect you or your home. You cannot rely on it at all! Great! Do you enjoy mysteries and tricks? If you get an asphalt roof with a given warranty of 50 years, have fun deciphering the warranty! Because asphalt roofing warranties are actually very mysterious and deceptive; there’s a difference between “lifespan” and “product defects” – tricky, tricky asphalt! Want more variety? Did we forget to tell you that asphalt roofing is highly susceptible to insect infestation, moss growth, and black streaks?
Praise the sun, because when it’s starting to roast your home in the summer, you better submit yourself. Do you lose your integrity in heavy heat and extensive sun exposure? Asphalt roofing does too! In fact, an asphalt roof can cook *really* well. It can curl up at the edges when it becomes compromised by excessive sun and heat. You don’t want your home to be cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter – embrace the moment, baby! Let the sun’s rays pierce through your roof, roast your attic, and roast your shingles from underneath too! Oh, did you say your home is in a shaded area? Did we tell you that asphalt roofing has only the most inadequate thermal protection in the industry and opens your roof to the possibility of actually rotting?
Isn’t this all just terrible? Good! Think you have a good pitch? You probably don’t! But, if your roof pitch is steep enough, the asphalt shingles can actually begin to sag down. Isn’t it great when splendid things in life begin to sag with age? Are you ugly, but instead of self-improvement, you decide to make yourself uglier? You can do the same thing to your home! You can install the ugliest material on the market and make your house look uglier than ever. When your asphalt roofing finally leaves you, you can repeat this again, again, and again!
Wait, you don’t like trash? You were thinking about getting asphalt roofing, so we figured you wanted material that goes into landfills protecting your home… What’s next, you care about the environment too? What?
April Fools!
-The Metal Roofing Blog
